Your generous girlfriend who treats strangers in rounds in the pub. Your husband who lives so economically that there is little more fun in your relationship. „Quarrel arises if you can not negotiate or do not like each other very much,“ says psychologist Jean-Pierre van de Ven.
Your generous girlfriend who treats strangers in rounds in the pub. Your husband who lives so economically that there is little more fun in your relationship. „Quarrel arises if you can not negotiate or do not like each other very much,“ says psychologist Jean-Pierre van de Ven.
Sander Schimmelpenninck, editor-in-chief of the magazine Quote , drew the rage of tweeting Holland last week. In the Netherlands, their finances are not equivalent, he told Viva .
Women do want to be emancipated, but not to pay for a dinner. „If you earn five times as much as a man, you also have to pay five times as much, which is logical, so that’s also the case,“ says the editor-in-chief.
Opinions differ on what is and is not logical; 40 per cent of the couples argue about money matters, such as the spending pattern, the priorities, the distribution of the money and who has the most power over the expenditure. This is evident from the factsheet Money and Relation 2018 of the Nibud on household finances .
73 percent of men in the Netherlands say they are satisfied with how their partner deals with money. 67 per cent of the women are satisfied with this and 9 per cent think that her partner deals poorly with money.
Share everything or arrange your own money affairs yourself?
When there is a quarrel about money, there is a lot to play at the same time, says relationship psychologist Van de Ven. „Couples who have a lot of quarrels about money can be in a quarrelsome, where everything is a reason, including money, but it can also be a difference of opinion about how you deal with money, which you learned from a young age. . “
When a relationship becomes more serious, what you have always learned about money suddenly becomes more important, says the relationship psychologist. „Have you inherited from home that you have to share everything together, and your partner thinks that everyone should arrange their own finances, then that can lead to friction.“
Lack of negotiation = quarrel
It really gets a hassle when there is a lack of negotiation skills with both or one of the partners, says the psychologist. „If you go with a my way or the high way attitude, the quarrel will not be resolved, and a lack of something will also play a role.“
A joint account and a separate account, share everything together or maintain each other; if you do not distrust each other and communicate well, there is no escalation about money matters, say Van de Ven.
„My wife comes from a middle-class family and has always learned that you should never marry in community of goods, because that is dangerous for the cause, which I found rather unromantic, but not very important either. “
If a relationship becomes more serious, says Van de Ven, then at a certain moment a power struggle takes place: who is the boss? „Usually a balance is found in this, sometimes the one, sometimes the other, depending on where someone is better in. If that power struggle continues, because someone trusts oneself for the most part, you end up in a quarrelsome pattern.“
Give each other gifts
Naomi Vlietman and her friend do not have a joint account, but use Splitwise, an app for splitting accounts, which even provides a touch of romance in their money affairs. „What we sometimes do is ‚give something‘ through the app.“
„Why would you buy something for yourself if you chose one another?“ Melanie
„For example, he says he has to wait a long time outside, then I put a few euros in the app stating that he can get coffee, and when my hairdresser’s appointment was a bit more expensive, he put 10 euros to pay. “
Why should you pay something with your own bill if you have chosen each other, Melanie Verheijen wonders. „If you want to build a future together, you really have to do it together.“ She and her husband together have one savings account and one payment account. „We keep everything in an Excel sheet and discuss our expenses together, so there’s never a fight.“
„Of course there are women who like to get free meals. The other way around too. „Jean-Pierre van de Ven, relationship psychologist
Differences between men and women when it comes to spending money and finances? „I dare to deny that,“ says Van de Ven. „In my practice, I do not see any clear differences between men and women in behavior, which is why I find such a remark from that Quote editor.“
„Of course, there will be women who like to be leisurely, free meals, and vice versa. Men have had a lot more money at their disposal than women for a long time, which is logical.“
There is not one golden tip to prevent arguments about money, says the relationship psychologist. „What it starts with is that you are aware that there is a difference of opinion about money matters, who is actually the enemy: your partner or the way of communicating? If there are always no decisions made and the quarrel always returns , try to communicate better. “
This advises Nibud:
Talking helps, says Nibud. But in addition, the National Institute for Budget Information has some tips to help you on your way. There are three types of expenditure, says Nibud: fixed costs, administrative expenses, and reservation expenses.
For the latter you regularly put money aside, for example equipment or the holiday. You do not necessarily have to share all these costs as a couple, but the rent, groceries and furniture are shared costs where agreements are made.
Opening a joint account is useful, advises Nibud. Both can then pay the agreed amount. The costs can be divided in the following ways:
In proportion to income. Suppose you earn three quarters of the joint income and your partner a quarter. You then pay three quarters of the joint expenses.
Leave the same amount. Add up both incomes and deduct the total amount of all joint expenses. The amount that remains – the budget to be spent – is divided by two. Now look at the income of the least earning partner and set aside his or her free budget part separately. The amount that remains is the contribution for the joint expenses. The partner with the highest income pays the rest of the joint expenses.
Half each. This way is only recommended if the partner with the lowest income then leaves enough for his or her personal expenses.
A fixed contribution. When your partner moves in with you, you can ask for cost money. This is an option if you have your own house or live-in children, or if one of them has high expenses, so that a distribution is not reasonable.
